I have so been slacking when it comes to keeping up on my posts. For some reason I have been really shying away from my blogging lately. Maybe its a little bit of self preservation. Its really tough to lay your life out on the table for someone else to read and judge. To know that I'm sharing so much of what's intimate and scary for me. To know that anyone could see it at anytime. That other people are watching my life go awry.
But I think its healing in a way as well. It's nice to know that I talk and someone else hears. Its nice that there is an unbiased ear out there. That someone other than my mom cares what I have to say. And that someone else is keeping me in their prayers.
I'm struggling with a lot of things right now. Its been really hard to come to terms with what my life is becoming. Its even harder to realize that there are just some things that I can't have control over. Some things are going to happen and I just have to take them in my stride.
It kills me that I can't give my son the life that I saw for him. That no matter how hard I try, there will always be someone else who has a different plan for him. Someone else who gets to have just as much say as I do in how Cruz is raised. In how he will come to see the world. In what kind of man he will someday become.
I feel so so so jealous when I see families. When there is a mom and a dad and a baby. I feel ugly and selfish for feeling jealous. I know that I am so lucky that I have a beautiful, healthy, happy baby. And some days thats enough. Some days I can just be happy about the fact that I have an amazing gift. That I was blessed enough to be the mother to this wonderful little boy.
But some days its a lot harder. Some days I just feel like being mad at everyone. I want everyone to know how much it hurts. To know what its like to have to give up the dreams I have been creating for my son. And for myself. I see all these other moms who have their lives together. They get to know what tomorrow holds for them. They don't have to worry that next week someone might make a decision that changes their life. They don't have to worry that tomorrow they might have to leave their baby. They don't have to know that look on their babies face. They don't have to listen to the cries as they turn their back and walk away.
When those tiny little arms reach out to hold me, but I can't take him. I have to leave him. It never stops hurting. And it never gets easier.
And its just going to get harder. As he gets older and I have to give up more and more time with him. As I slowly fade from a full time parent down to only half. When I only have my son for 50% of his time, does that make me only half a parent? It seems that way to me.
I want to be there for him all the time. For every little thing that he does. For every achievement and excitement. And for every cry and every let down. I want to be there. And I can't. No matter how hard I try or how bad I want it, I don't get to be there for his whole life. He will have a whole other life that I wont be a part of. 50% of his time will be spent at this other life. He will be learning things that I dont approve of. And eating things that I dont think are healthy. And learning ideals and lessons from a man that I dont think is a good role model. I look at that man and I see everything that I dont want my son to become. And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit there and watch it happen.
I want the world for my son. I want to give him everything and raise him to be a good, strong, happy man. But I look around and I see the men that are supposed to model for him. And I none of them are what I want my son to grow up to be.
How did I let this happen? How did things get so far gone? If I had done things differently, would I still be here? If I had tried harder, would I still have had to leave my son crying for me on a daily basis? If I fight a better fight, will I get the chance to do my best by him? Will I ever get the chance to be the best mama that I can be? I dont know the answers and it scares me.