Oh what a tough little week we had.
Cruz spent his first night at Papa's (and first ever away from Mama) on Friday night. While I knew it would be hard, I had no idea how much it would hurt. Had it only been a one time occasion I might have greatly enjoyed it. Knowing that it was soon to become a consistent thing shook me hard.
I made a very firm and conscious decision that upon my return to blogging after a brief hiatus, I didn't want to blog like I had in the past. I didn't, and don't, want to have a whole blog filled with series of posts about struggles and sadness. But I would be lying if I tried to pretend I didn't have them.
Being without my little guy is hard and I wouldn't wish that hardship on my worst enemy.
But I chose, and choose, to live in the moment and look to the future. Not to dwell on the things that I can not make different. I try very hard to be strong and positive, but at the same time be sensitive with myself and make sure that I am allowing myself to feel my real feelings and deal with them instead of pushing them away.
I sometimes feel like I take things harder then I should. I know Papa misses Cruz when he's not with him, but its not crippling to him the way it is to me. I see women everyday who enjoy the freedom of sending their children to their fathers for the weekend and then welcoming them home lovingly. They don't seem incapacitated the way that I feel I am when Cruz is gone. I wonder if I am too attached? Am I (overly) over-protective, do I rely too much on my role as a mother that I don't foster and value my other roles enough. Do other people think I am so crazily obsessed with my baby that I can't enjoy life without him around.
I can go round and round with myself. But then I remember that it doesn't matter what I think others see me as. It doesn't matter if I feel differently about something then the next person or the person after that. My feelings are valid because they are my own, real and true. And when you live your truth no one can question it.
"I must learn to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and looses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against the utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
Theodore I. Rubin
For the record, I've never thought of your blog as a negative space. You've always come across as a strong woman who does what's best for her son. I was thinking of you guys last night, knowing it was going to be so hard for you. I can only imagine that it will get easier as time progresses and someday you might be one of those women who happily let's go of their children for the weekend. You're dealing with something so fresh and difficult and I don't think it's fair to judge your reaction as "too attached." You clearly have a strong and healthy attachment with a wonderful little boy. Chin up, mama.
ReplyDeleteI took a break from blogging(reading AND writing) it became a little fake to me, I started to feel absorbed by it and needed to step back and reevaluate. I just told my husband that your blog was/is one of my favs. b/c you're not fake and you have struggles and release them on here. You're real! don't ever feel you have to hide your emotions, this is your life and your blog is your outlet. Now, as a mother I can feel your pain. You're a strong woman doing everything you can for your child and when he's gone you're going to feel lost. Try to use this time to think about yourself, It's so hard to get ourselves lost in motherhood. You can never be too attached but now it's time to focus on yourself. Keep your head up, you'll get through this : )
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel about being crippled when the babe is gone. I feel this way every time I leave mine in a new situation, especially the first day...I get nothing done, but it does get easier. I hope you are working your way through/around it. --Amber
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and love love loving it. I love this quote too, mind if I nick it? I'll link back to you!
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