Today was Cruz's first day going with his Papa for 6 hours. SIX WHOLE hours.
It may not seem like much. But to me, it feels equivalent to 600 million days.
And lately, every time I drop him off, he gets so sad. And cries when I leave.
This had gotten better over the last month and he wasnt crying when I left.
But its back, those tears. And I hate it.
But I read this quote on a blog yesterday.
I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova
It made me realize that maybe the time has come to let go a little bit. To accept that this is my life now. I have fought so hard against this. Resisting it every step of the way.
Maybe its time to come to terms with the fact that Cruz's life will forever consist of "two's". Two houses, two beds, two christmases, two everything. No matter how bad I want things to be different, I can not change it. I have fought the good fight. Given it all I have. Kept trying even when the odds where stacked against me. Stayed even though the love was gone. Refused to quit, for the sake of my son.
Maybe it's time to stop letting my life be ruled by this. Stop letting every thought be saturated with this fear and misery. This constant shadow hanging over me.
That voice that tells me I didn't try hard enough.
That I burdened my son with a life of "two's".
That he will never get the life he deserves.
That he will grow up and be scarred from the decisions I have made.
I have to do the best with what I have. And what I've been given.
And just pray that I be led in making good decisions and fighting for what's best for my son.
I'm so blessed to have such an amazing son. I owe it to him to stop fearing the future. Fearing the unknown. And to just live in the moment. To embrace every single second that I have with him. To know that no matter what, I'll always be the best mom I can be. My son will always inspire me to grow and change and evolve into whatever he needs me to be. And I will do it with a smile and full, happy heart.
You are my precious little star, Cruz.
Your the peanut butter to my jelly.
The bread to my butter.
I'm so glad that you are in my life. That you are my whole life.
I promise to stop being held down by this fear of loosing time with you and instead take advantage of every single moment of your life.
Or, skip town, move you to Mexico and never look back...
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Stay strong Cassie. I believe that things happen for a reason.
ReplyDeleteI think it takes a lot of strength to have to do this on your own.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard and you want what's best for him. Hugs to you for all that you've endured including having to be away from your baby boy. I truly believe you are giving him what's best.
ReplyDeleteIt must be difficult parenting him one way and then having his dad do it a different way and not having any say. I have to tell you though that even though I'm married, my hubby and I can be at odds over things when it comes to our daughter.
There are things I wouldn't have even thought would've bothered me but he'll do them and it drives me crazy. He might give her food that isn't cut up small enough and I'll be afraid she'll choke or he'll forget her jacket when he takes her out and it will be cold, I could go on and on. I'm sure it seems like petty things though. I guess when it comes to being a mom, it doesn't seem like it's the right way unless I'm making the decisions.
So every day we have to try and find a balance and it can be frustrating. I think the resolution is that he just listens to me. Lol! It might take time but I hope you find a balance with Cruz's dad.
Thank you so much for your support ladies. It's an ever evolving stream of emotions, this motherhood thing. It helps to have such support women to talk to.
ReplyDeleteElle, I'm soo glad to know that cruz's papa isn't the only daddy who pushes buttons sometimes. It's always so inspiring to hear about loving and healthy relationships between husbands and wives because it gives me hope. But it's mighty refreshing to hear that everone has their quirks and that I didn't just happen to procreate with the single most difficult man on earth (though I think that might be the case!)
I read this and felt sad because I watched my brother walk away from his wife, 1.5 yr old and newborn son last year and all I felt towards him was just extreme anger. I don't know what men think, I don't know what goes through their minds but when children become involved it's heartbreaking. You are so strong and Cruz will thank you someday.
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