MIA

Obviously, I have been missing in action lately. Actually MIA might not be the right military related term. More like POW. I have definitely been feeling like a prisoner in my own life these days. Waging war on myself, my well being, my bank account... inanimate objects... pretty much anything I come in contact with.

As my last post suggests, things have, once again, taken a turn for the worst. So bear with me. Pray for me. Send me loves and encouragement. Thank you much.

On the bright side, my blog title finally makes sense again!


(Just a little eye candy! Cruz is going to be a blogger too!!!!)

In keeping with the poor-me-whiny-whiny-talk, I have a story to tell.

So I'm moving out of my apartment last saturday afternoon. Obviously it was already a bleak affair. A little bitter sweet to be honest. But, naturally, I was feeling pretty down on my luck. Things hadn't worked out at ALL like I planned. I was riddled (or is it ridden) with guilt for doing this to Cruz AGAIN. Even though I have always had the best of intention. I had to pack all the things I had just barely moved in. My relationship had completely deteriorated. But I never cried. It hurts less and less every time. Which is good...I guess. I would prefer not to have to say "every time" in reference to the demise of my relationship.

Anywhoooo

We're moving out. I get the boxes loaded and tear out of there as fast as my feet will carry me while burdened with baby and boxes. I get Cruz in, wave goodbye to my old life (tear) and drive out of the complex. Naturally, my heart is a little sad and I'm a little lost in thought, when all the sudden....my car sputters. I press the gas. Nothing. I'm slowing down. In traffic. It takes me a second to come to grips.

My f-ing car just died in the middle of traffic. During my attempt to drive away from my sad life. With my baby in the back seat. And my life in boxes. And my head in turmoil. And my stomach in knots.

COME. THE. FUCK. ON.

Luckily there was a driveway for a church building about 10 feet away. So I roll right into the driveway... only to realize that its more like a mini hill. I obviously didn't have the gas to power over it. I'm stuck on this little hill. I put the car in park and go to take my foot off the brake. We start rolling backwards. What? Isn't park supposed to make your car PARK. As in, not move anymore? Apparently not. So I put my emergency brake on and try again. No such luck. We roll a little more. F. F. F. F (I'm trying not to say the F word in front of Cruz) (But I am starting to spell it out loud because I don't even know if anyone could be mad if you heard a kid SPELLING the F word out loud. Hilarious).

So I'm stuck on a hill, with a dead car and my foot on the brake. I'm starting to panic. What if the brakes let out or something? If we rolled backwards Cruz would be in the direct line of fire. His carseat is strapped behind the passengers seat and that is precisely where oncoming traffic would plow into. F.U.C.K... So I make a risky decision. Seeing as I cant take my feet off the brake, I step down as hard as I can on the pedal and turn the top half of my body around so I am facing the backseat. I now have to stretch my upper body so that I can reach the carseat and unbuckle Cruz... without taking my feet of the brake pedal. I'm sweating. If I fuck up and my foot slips...I can't even think about the consequences. Cruz, of course, isn't making this any easier because he is freaking out (he HATES the carseat). Screaming, crying, squirming, the works. And carseats are a pain in the ass to unbuckle anyways.

After a minute of fumbling, I succeed to rescue Cruz from the perils of death. He proceeds to suck on the steering wheel, and everything is OK for a second.

I locate my phone and frantically call my brother. I try to articulate the problem while still keeping my feet on the brake and wrestling with Cruz, who has now decided to attempt to escape the entire ordeal through the window. I can't say I blame him.

After several more uncomfortable minutes of incessantly standing on the brakes (in hind sight, I probably didnt need to push so hard that I gave myself shin splints) my brother arrives with my dad and my sisters boyfriend. They push us to safety, evaluate things, conclude that I have just run out of gas (rookie move) and give us a lift to the gas station. I am ever thankful.

Needless to say, I couldn't get home and into bed fast enough. This day needed to be over.
Fortunately I made it there without further incidence. Thank God.

Things have been slightly better since the above ordeal, but not by much. I am doing my best to find joy in the good things, and breathe through the bad. I miss my old life more then I thought I would. But, it getting easier. Slowly.

And Then There Were Two...again

My heart is heavy tonight.
I sit surrounded by boxes full of my things.
Ready to be packed and moved away tomorrow.
To a new home.
And a new life.
Alone.
Again.

Worldless Wednesday

No words. Just a single picture. Enjoy

P.S I'm in love.

With a woman named Jenne Dunham. She is an amazingly talented photographer. And she was able to capture some breathtaking photos of Cruz.

Here's some sneak peaks:

She was so easy to work with. I felt totally comfortable with her, and thats saying a lot considering I HATE being in front of a camera.
She was totally patient. And though Cruz was less then enticed with the camera, she really took her time to set up fantastic shots and captivate him long enough to capture said shot.

I'm love love LUV-ING the sneak peeks and I absolutely cannot wait to see all of the photo's!

I can't say enough incredible things about Jenne or her work. Please check out her website here. And I thank you again and again Jenne, for these amazing keepsakes!

Stranger Danger

I CANNOT believe I forgot to post this story! I think I have been psychologically repressing it. Its less about the danger that strangers pose to me and more about the danger I pose to poor innocent strangers!

So, last week I hear a knock at the door. I don't know if its just me, but I dread answering the door when I'm not expecting someone. It's always that random salesperson and you have to do that awkward dance in the doorway while you try to act like there is something really important happening inside the house so that you can run away without totally blowing off said salesperson.

ANYWAY...

Cruz and I were home alone, Papa was at the gym, and I hear the dreaded knock. So I look through my little peep hole and see, to my astonishment, a surprisingly attractive young man. Imagine Seal without the scars. Unfortunately, I was not looking like Heidi Klum. Of course, I had just gotten out of the shower. My hair is a stringy mess, no makeup, wearing my maternity pajamas... not the image of excellence I hope to portray during these situations. But I open the door anyway, hoping my adorable son held strategically in front of my body will distract from my 3XL P.J's. As expected, he goes on to tell me that he is the coach for a soccer team of under privileged children and he is going door to door trying to raise enough money for uniforms.

Oh, COME ON! I'm thinking either A: I'm getting totally taken here, or B: Seriously, why is Mr. Perfect not wearing a wedding ring!!! Either way, I decided to donate the $10.00. Because I'm a total sucker. Every time.

So I set Cruz on the floor and bend down to find my checkbook. After a couple humiliating moments of rumbling around in my filthy diaper bag, I proceed to dump everything on the floor and retrieve the godforsaken checkbook. At this point, instead of standing up like a civilized human being and writing my check at the kitchen table, I take it one step further and remained on my knees while writing my check, on my knees, at the front door...????? I'm aware of how ludicrous I look the entire time, but for some reason I stay right there. At this point the Seal impersonator decides to kneel down as well... for who knows what reason. So were on the same level? I don't know. It was just getting more ridiculous as it went on.

So now we are both kneeling in my door way.

I INTERRUPT THIS POSTING TO REPORT BREAKING NEWS:

Cruz is in his crib for the first time EVER.

Alright, so he's obviously not sleeping in it, but just playing in it is a HUGE step in the Murphy household!

Back to the story.

I finally finish my check and drag myself back onto my feet and into a more dignified position. At which point he thanks me, offers me my candy as a "thank you" and bids me farewell.

Glad that I am through making a fool of myself, I walk to the bathroom to finish getting Cruz ready for bed. Upon arrival at the mirror I begin to take inventory of the damage that I have inflicted on the poor Seal Look-a-like with my less then desirable appearance.

Then I stopped dead.

There, in all its glory, is my ENTIRE right breast, hanging out of my shirt. Not just like a nipple slip, no, the WHOLE ENTIRE chi-chi!!!!!

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!?

WXN&*&Y??@BFGCDHB IUYWQ*(&^EY??????

I quickly start trying to talk myself out of it. Trying to think of a way around the fact that I just had a five minute conversation with a stranger whilst exposing myself. That I crawled around on the floor while exposing myself! That I handed this person money while exposing myself!

I'm like a stripper in reverse. I paid someone to look at my lady lumps!

Seriously?

This can't be happening.

Double You. Tee. Eff.

There was no way around it. Why else would he have knelt with me on the ground?!

No questions asked, I flashed a perfect stranger. In the presence of my son. I think he may be scarred for life. I'm definitely scarred for life! I should have my mommy-license revoked. If I cant even keep track of my own extremities, how can I be responsible for keeping track of an entire person.

I don't even know what else to say, there's really no graceful way to end this story. I put on as many layers of clothes that I could stuff myself into, packed up my son and left as quick as I could.

Needless to say, Papa takes it upon himself to reference my reverse-stripping at any available opportunity.

And I still blush every time I walk through that doorway.

Early to bed, early to rise

Cruz went to bed at 7:00pm tonight. Which is waaayyyy earlier then normal. So instead of being productive and say, clean the house, do the laundry, do anything, I chose to sit on the couch and doing NOTHING. Part of me feels super guilty that I wasted all this baby-free time that I am constantly craving. At the very least I should have done some of the projects I've been dying to work on.

Nope! I sat on the couch and watched Cruz sleeping. Wishing he would wake up and play. Missing him because he threw me for a loop by crashing out so early.

I'm always wanting him to sleep so I can get stuff done and now that he is sleeping all I want is for him to wake up! What the H. E. Double hockey sticks is wrong with me!

It's only 9:15 which is sooo much earlier then I usually post! So I have some time to talk about some stuff that has been vying for room in my overstuffed brain, but keeps getting forgotten!

I'll start with these (because I don't like to write too long without giving ya some pics!):

This is Cruz's new favorite thing to do during shopping trips!
If he falls asleep in his car seat, I just unlatch the whole damn thing (which is a total pain in the ass and makes me miss infant car seats) and do my best to slowly lower a 25 pd car seat into the cart without bumping/jostling/dropping/swearing at anyone that looks like they might try to offer me help.
And when he finally wakes up he ONLY wants to face backwards! Its good fun for everyone involved!

Next order of business. I'm working on adding things to my site to make it easier to follow. RSS. Good stuff like that. I also added a place for you to "subscribe" at the top right corner. So, please do so! If you have any suggestions of things you'd like to see on the site, or have me write about, by all means, let me know!

Also, you may notice that I have been able to reinstate my ads. Please feel free to click on them if you are TRULY interested in the ad. Please don't click them repeatedly or without intent as it can result in my loosing them. All the words that are double underlined in green are also ads, you can mouse over them and the ad will pop up. Same regulations goes for those ads as well.

Finally, check out some of the really great blogs that I subscribe to. They are listed along the right hand side under "some of my favorites." All the ladies are really great writers and totally worth taking a look at!

I promise this is the only boring, informational post (for now)!!

OH. EM. GEE

I made the most. freaking. cool. find today at the thrift store...





Did I mention that it only cost $40.00. WHAT?!

Original owners manual...



Yes, that says 5 cents! AH, how quaint!!

Once we got it home I, of course, explored every inch of it. I was beyond excited!

But then I started to get bummed that I wouldn't be able to run it tonight because I didn't pick up any thread :( So Papa, being the wonderful partner that he is, went out and picked some up for me while I put Cruz to bed. This is what he came back with...



Notice where it says "HAND sewing."

Obviously I can't use it on my machine (which I'll never tell him) as its meant for hand stitching. But its the sweet, sweet thought that counts. He wanted so badly for me to be able to enjoy my new treat.

Sometimes his kindness surprises me.
And I remember that I am lucky.

A Day in the Life...

Of Cruz Anthony Lopez

First, a nice relaxing shower.

Then a little breakfast.

With my new organic big boy food.

Followed by a visit and some kisses from Nanny!

Then I was exhausted, so I had to take a little snooze in the car.

But when we arrived at the market I had to sit up like a big guy in the shopping cart and flirt with all the old ladies! They always say, "What aisle did you get him on?"


After that I had to have a little snack. Organic apples from my aunties house.

In an attempt to stay awake past my bedtime I did some mesmerizing at the world.

Finally, I couldn't stay awake for one more second so I lulled off to sleep in the comfort of Mama's arms.



Goodnight world.

Power Outage

The power went out at my complex tonight...at the worst time possible... IN THE SHOWER!

I mean, really?

All and all it has been a very chaotic day. But I got to see both my parents which was really great! And I finally, finally got my car cleaned! Thanks dad.

And Papa started his new job today. And loved it. Thank goodness!!

Chaotic, but wonderful.

Comcastic.

Papa (he has requested that his name be left out of the blog. I have revised past posts and he will henceforth be referred to as Papa ) and I have made a little ritual of sitting down together at the least twice a week to enjoy the latest bill that we have acquired (and yet to pay). The wonderful world Comcast.

We aren't super thrilled with the customer service (or any customer service lately. More here) but we get it super cheap through our apartment complex. And it's not on contract, they just set it up and take it away whenever you want!

Our absolute and indisputable favorite is "The Office."

I introduced Papa to the show back when we started dating and he has been HOOKED every since. He DVR's every episode on T.V. (Comcast gave us a free DVR which seemed a little fishy and we quickly found out that it was a HEAVILY used piece of equipment that hardly reads a signal from the remote. Good fun). Unfortunately they are all re-runs because they are in the middle of loosing their main man...

Come on Steve (Carell).

Come. On.

And we have two other VERY guilty pleasure shows. I'm almost embarrassed to admit to them.

O.K I'm really embarrassed. Capital E!

Teen Mom and Jersey Shore.

So juvenile! But we just cant help ourselves. I think we like Teen Mom because we can semi-commiserate with the characters.

Jersey Shore though? We really have no excuse for this one.

But watching T.V together is the closest thing to date night that we can afford. So when we can finally spring for those Salsa lessons, Jersey Shore will (hopefully) be long gone!!!

Model Baby

Yes, Mr. Cruz Anthony has his first photo shoot coming up!

A wonderful local photographer is doing some free photo sessions in order to build her portfolio and Cruzy gets to be one of the lucky subjects.
I'm really excited because this will be his first professional photo shoot (except for his semi-pro Nana who did his pictures when he was first born...they were so handsome).

My only dilemma, and its a big one, is finding the perfect outfit!!!!!!!!
Here are the links she sent as examples of good picks:

(Click picture to enlarge)

I'm really loving the little guy to the upper right hand corner in the whites and beiges. I just think babies look so sweet in those vintage-y clothes.

Granted, we can't afford to buy him anything new.... Seeing as PG&E was due last week (and we aren't any closer to paying it) but I'm thinking I'll be able to rummage up something cute from Cruz's drawers + Diego's hand-me-downs + my mommas adorable handmade gifts and thrift store finds!

Any suggestions on what kinds of outfits translate best into print?

SPEC-tacular

Well. I FINALLY got new glasses today. My Ol' faithful's finally threw in the towel...Actually, I lost them in St. Helena during a weekend stay! Bum-mer!! But they were well overdue. They only had one arm, which was super glued on so that it didn't close and I they were constantly falling off considering they only hooked around one ear.

But I'm happy with my new ones. They'll take a little getting used to, but I'm happy to be able to see again. Considering how fast every day is going bye, I cant afford to miss a single second due to my lack of vision!

That being said, can we talk a little bit about customer service??

I'm not sure if its just me, but I feel like the whole business of customer service has gone to the dogs.

We had quite an unpleasant experience today while trying to purchase my new specs. Let me lay it out for you:

9:45- I walk in to the store with my charmingly adorable bed-headed baby still in his jammies :) I walked up to the counter for assistance. All employees were on the phone.

9:55- (10 mins later) They finally get off the phone and acknowledge me for the FIRST time. She looks at me and says "What can I do for you?"

Me: Uhhhhhhh....... I would like some glasses, hence the fact that I'm in the eyeglass store?!? ( I really just said " I'm looking for glasses")

Her: Ok

Me:..........................

Cruz: Burp

Her: Blank stare

Me: "Should I pick some frames? Or? Um"

Her: "Sure"

10:00- So I browse around for like 15 minutes. I set my bag on the floor because I was holding Cruz + his sling that he was refusing to get in + the toy he was playing with + my cell phone.

The saleslady comes over, bends downs and actually picks up my bag and hands it me, "here you go."

Me: W.T.F...."uh thanks?"

And she walks away. No reply.

10:20- So I pick my frames and let them know I'm ready.

Her: "Ok"

Me: "So should I wait? Or?"

Her: I'll let you know when someone can help you...Unless you want to help her Mark."

Mark: "Someone else should be ready in just a minute. Thats OK with you right?"

Me: "Uh, Sure." By this point I'm starting to feel a little self conscious, as I tend to when I start getting that your-way-too-young-to-be-a-mom-I'm-judging-you-feel-awkward vibe from someone. So, we wait.

10:30- I'm bouncing Cruz around on my hip, playing 'birdie in the air', laughing, bouncing some more....

10:35- An older women walks in at exactly the moment that a sales rep is free. The rep walks over to her and they begin picking out frames and talking prescriptions.

Me: COME. ON.

10:40- An older man walks in, same EXACT thing happens. (p.s I'm not exaggerating)

Me: Double you. Tee. Eff.

10:45- I tell the sales clerk that I'm leaving. Of course they kick right in to gear and are as helpful as could be to take my measurements, get my info, blah blah blah. She tells me she will be right back. So I wait....and wait....and wait.

10:55- She walks around the corner holding frames and talking to another customer.

Me: ????? Really?

So I ask another associate for help and she goes and gets Mark, the first guy who blew me off. He FINALLY, FINALLY finishes the transaction and then proceeds to talk to me about the 12 month old he has at home and how he can relate to how tiring it is.

......

.....

Seriously. Seriously?

You watched me try to shop/entertain my infant/be blown off for an HOUR and now you want to do some commiserating?

Fat chance.

Fast forward to 5:00- I go back for my glasses.

I try them on.

I tell them that they are too loose.

Her: "Well the true test is to put your face down and see if they fall off."

Me: They are too loose"

Her: "If they are too tight they might give you a headache."

Me: "They are too loose."

Her: "Well everyones busy right now so you'll have to wait."

Me: "You can't do it?"

Her: "I don't think so."

What do you mean you don't think so? I'm pretty sure my question warranted a pretty straight forward yes or no.

I walked out without another word.

I won't reveal the name of the eyeglass shop because I have no interest in using my blog as a platform to rag on people....

O.K it was Lens Crafters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, if any of you have jobs that deal with customer service, please keep in mind my little jammie-clad Cruz and his vision impaired mother the next time you feel like being unpleasant or unhelpful. We thank you in advance.

Eat. Pray. Love

Not only am I dying to see this movie, but it has really started me thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the way things used to be... and the way they have become. Of all the things I hoped to do with my life B.C (before Cruz) and all the new dreams that have evolved since his birth.

One of the things that I wanted to do SO BADLY before C was to travel.

My first choice destination has always been and will always be, Ireland.

AHHHH, it's almost painful, how bad I want to be here. What I wouldn't give!!!

When I used to imagine myself there, it was usually in a haze of pubs, pints of Guinness and a slew of Irish men channeling "P.S I love you!"

Now when I see it in my mind its a lot more family oriented. Its little Cruzy bundled up against the cool winds. Its Papa and I strolling our son around the beautiful countryside. Its hunkering down in a cozy cobblestone home and soaking up the culture. And lets be honest, its still all in a haze of Guinness!!!

And I think Cruz would really like Ireland....

He loves to snuggle up with his mama and go for walks....
And he loves to spread out on the grass for a little sight seeing and tummy time.

Yes, he would definitely love Ireland!

P.S--Eat. Pray. Love has also inspired me to add a couple elements to my blog. Check out the new pages, found along the top of the page, right underneath the header!

101 things I wish I knew before I got married...

So, its no secret that Papa and I have had some serious bummer periods in our relationship . Fortunately we have been able to resurrect it several times, getting us to where we are now which is usually varying stages of content, intermittently we are extremely happy, and periodically the whole thing goes to shambles.

In an attempt to increase the somewhat dismal state of our affairs we are employing and exploring several different avenues.

First, I'm reading ALOT! I recently purchased a book called "101 things I wish I knew when I got married" which is basically 101 one-liners about establishing and maintaining a successful relationship. Its wonderfully formatted in a way that allows you to heed advice and guidance quickly and interpret it in a way that relates to your own experiences. I'm currently working with an excerpt that reads "what you judge in your partner is a reflection of what you judge in yourself." I find this to be very self evident in my life and I'm exploring the truths that unfold as I further my understanding.

Second, I'm attempting to secure a "date night" which I'm really excited about. Papa is much more on board with this idea vs. the book reading idea. Today he brought home a flyer for Salsa dancing classes!! My first reaction was "YIKES" as Papa far exceeds me in his dancing skills. But on further inspection I've concluded that its probably a fantastic idea. If nothing else everyone will get a good laugh at my expense.

Lastly, I'm writing. Since I'm never quite sure how candid to be on this blog, I'm keeping a personal journal -- Editors note: There was a smack-down at the Papa/Murphy residence pertaining to privacy issues aka "No, Papa you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT read my journal."

I find writing to be very healing...so I write. It clears my head and organizes my thoughts so that we can have more productive conversations and less mind-boggling-all-out-screaming-tirades reminiscent of WWI.

So does anyone have any "I wish I knew this before I got married" advice? Or date ideas? Shoot them my way!

Drum Class

Cruz and I have been taking a drum class for the last couple of weeks.

Instead of writing about it, I'll let the pictures tell the story.

This one was fuzzy, but the expression was just priceless.

Hope you enjoyed drum class as much as we do.

My latest and greatest obsession

So since Papa and I FINALLY got our own place, my newest favorite things to create are pieces for our home. Here are a couple of the things I'm working on...

(Please excuse the terrible fuzziness of the photos...I'm currently taking all pics on my iPhone)

The book is called "Seams to Me" by Anna Maria Horner. The pictures are beautiful. Such rich colors with an amazing array of sewing projects. I cannot wait to get started...though I dont know where I'll ever find the time.

This is the project I'm working on right now, except in these colors...

This is the next project I can't wait to start for all of Cruz's toys.

This will be another super cute hideaway for C's toys.



And lastly, I am dying to try my hand at quilting. How cute would this be on our bed!!

So there are just a few of the things that have been bouncing around in my head for the last couple weeks. I'll post some pictures if I ever get any of them done!!

And of course a post is never complete without a picture of Mr. Cruz.

Sleeping next to his mama. Sometimes I can spend hours just watching him sleep. Lucky mama, I am.