Those Days

So, I had one of "those" days. You know the kind where nothing is really wrong, but its just kind of....bluugghh.

First, I accidently fell asleep wearing a thong last night. And everyone knows how uncomfortable that is. But by the time I wake up with a wedgy up to my ears, I'm way to lazy to get up and change, so I just roll around uncomfortable all night.

Second, we are out of toilet paper.

Third, its raining cats and dogs, so I dont want to have to get Cruz dressed and loaded in the car just to get toilet paper.

Fourth, for some reason Sister Wives wasn't on last week and Project Runway isn't OnDemand yet, so there was nothing to watch on T.V.

But then we got to go to Cruz's second Halloween party. He was an owl. Super cute. In true "blugghh day" fashion, I left my camera at the party so I can't post any pictures.

And tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a Halloween party with my mom/aunts/uncles/cousins at a bar downtown. Its about a 1 1/2 minutes drive from my house. But Cruz goes with his Papa tomorrow and I hate, hate, hate to think about going out and leaving him with my sister after he has already been away from me all day. Granted, they aren't going out until 9:30 so Cruz will already be asleep. But sometimes I just like to watch him sleep. And rub his head. And give him little kisses so that he knows I'm right there.

Am I being a total lame-o party pooper? Should I just go out? For an hour? I dunno.


One Down, Two to Go

Cruz went to his first Halloween party yesterday.

Probably the cutest thing I have ever seen.

It was our playgroup party, so there were just oodles of baby chub and diaper butts stuffed into precious "first Halloween" costumes.

I didn't get permission from the other moms to post pictures of their babies, so I'll just tell you the adorable costumes. There was a sweet pea, a charlie brown, a bumblebee, two tigers, a cowgirl, and a ladybug. So, so, so cute.

Cruz wore his first costume of the season, Max of "Where the Wild Things Are."

Here are a couple of pictures snapped with my iPhone. I'll have to upload better ones soon.

(Obviously, I went as the hideous monster!)

I made the costume and it was really pretty quick and simple. And surprisingly, he wore the crown for like a whole 6 1/2 minutes before chewing it to shreds (nothing like a little lead based craft paint to strengthen that immune system).

He has his next party tomorrow and he is going as an owl. I'll have to get some better pictures at this one.

What are your little ones being for Halloween?


A Day of Firsts

Today was Cruz's first day going with his Papa for 6 hours. SIX WHOLE hours.

It may not seem like much. But to me, it feels equivalent to 600 million days.

And lately, every time I drop him off, he gets so sad. And cries when I leave.
This had gotten better over the last month and he wasnt crying when I left.
But its back, those tears. And I hate it.

But I read this quote on a blog yesterday.

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova

It made me realize that maybe the time has come to let go a little bit. To accept that this is my life now. I have fought so hard against this. Resisting it every step of the way.

Maybe its time to come to terms with the fact that Cruz's life will forever consist of "two's". Two houses, two beds, two christmases, two everything. No matter how bad I want things to be different, I can not change it. I have fought the good fight. Given it all I have. Kept trying even when the odds where stacked against me. Stayed even though the love was gone. Refused to quit, for the sake of my son.

Maybe it's time to stop letting my life be ruled by this. Stop letting every thought be saturated with this fear and misery. This constant shadow hanging over me.
That voice that tells me I didn't try hard enough.
That I burdened my son with a life of "two's".
That he will never get the life he deserves.
That he will grow up and be scarred from the decisions I have made.

I have to do the best with what I have. And what I've been given.
And just pray that I be led in making good decisions and fighting for what's best for my son.

I'm so blessed to have such an amazing son. I owe it to him to stop fearing the future. Fearing the unknown. And to just live in the moment. To embrace every single second that I have with him. To know that no matter what, I'll always be the best mom I can be. My son will always inspire me to grow and change and evolve into whatever he needs me to be. And I will do it with a smile and full, happy heart.

You are my precious little star, Cruz.
Your the peanut butter to my jelly.
The bread to my butter.
I'm so glad that you are in my life. That you are my whole life.
I promise to stop being held down by this fear of loosing time with you and instead take advantage of every single moment of your life.

Or, skip town, move you to Mexico and never look back...



I keep getting a call from a random number.
Obviously, I assume its the collection agency.
Because they call my phone like a bazillion times a day.

It was not.

Mr. Anonymous started leaving messages.
For Jennifer.
I am not Jennifer.

This has been going on for the better part of a week.
And I was torn on how to handle it. I hate talking on the phone to people I know, let alone strangers.
But, I did feel a little bit bad for Mr. A as he was so avidly seeking out this Jennifer character.
I am assuming that Jennifer gave him the wrong number on purpose. I can't say I blame her. If she had any idea how persistent he was, she most likely gave him the ol' switch-eroo.

Finally, today, Mr. A text me. After a slew of unanswered calls and messages.
I was slightly annoyed slash slightly empathetic.
I text him back. "This is not Jennifer."
He was not fazed.
He wrote back. "Oh. Thanks for clarifying. Do you need a friendly and reliable computer guy?"
I was a little taken aback.
For all he knows, I'm some psycho, 70 year old, hoarding, male pedophile.
I am not.
But, still.

I didn't write anything back.
Then he writes..."Hello?"
Like we were having a conversation and I was taking too long to answer.
He proceeds with:
"Fine, sorry for blowing up your phone with messages..."
He actually put the "..."
Waiting for me to answer.
Then: "Bye"

Needless to say, I did NOT respond.
This guy had no discretion. He did not care that I wasn't Jennifer. He didn't really care who I was. And he still wanted to talk to me.
Is this creepy?
I think, yes. Yes it is creepy.
And now this guy has my number forever.
He can bug me infinitely.
Forever, until I change my number.

Thanks a lot Jennifer.


New Seasons = New Obessions

With winter starting to settle in around us (we had rain yesterday, which, in my opinion is sufficient evidence that its time to dig out winter gear) I have been seeking out some new favorite items.

For those of you who don't know, I went to Design school in Los Angeles and San Francisco, majoring in fashion design. Fashion was my first love. After I had Cruz, my passion for it kind of fell by the wayside. But I'm determined to come back from the "fashion dead" aka mom jeans and nursing bra's.

So here are a few of things that I'm loving for this season...

The Fishtail braid.

Its really simple once you get the hang of it. And you can wear it all messy and its still totally cute. I happen to be wearing it in my hair as we speak!

Cowl Neck Scarves.

I'm into the bulk. And the warmth. And the fact that they hide the nursing bra that is ALWAYS popping out of the top of my shirt.

Baby Uggs.

I just got a pair of these for Cruz. Obviously not real(ly expensive) ones. I bought the $15.00 Target ones that they only sell in the little girls section. I don't know why Target thinks that only baby girls need Uggs. But if I must crossdress my son in the name of fashion then so be it.

Oversized Sweaters.

I don't generally wear mine sans pants...or while orgasming in the window of my furniture-less house, but I could dig it, I guess.

And finally, my boy Mondo from Project Runway.

I'm not even super in to his design aesthetic, but his eye for detail and his range in variation always has me pining over his designs. Plus, I love to see what he is going to wear every episode!!

Starbucks is kicking me out once again. Sleep tight, I'll be dreaming about scarves, baby shoes and gay men!



I have court ordered mediation with Papa at the end of the week.

I'm so so so nervous.

I've tried very hard to make sure that I don't let any of my legal "situations" slip into my writing. But it's really hard to have such a HUGE part of my life taking place and not being able to write about it.

All I can say is that Cruz has never spent more than 4 hours away from me in his ENTIRE life. Never, ever, ever.

I'm so scared that this is going to change. DRASTICALLY.

I'm scared for myself. But more than anything, I'm scared for Cruz.

We sleep in the same bed.
We nurse whenever we want.
He's never been left with a stranger.
He's never been left with anyone.
We do everything together.

If he has to be with his Papa 50% of the time, how will this be for him?

How will this change him?

Will he start to become a different little boy?

Will he be afraid without me?

I've never been more scared.

Or helpless...



Alright, for some reason I am having a really hard time getting behind this twitter thing.

I don't even really get it...

I'm totally into blogging, but I don't know how I feel about giving constant update....Or am I already doing that?

I don't know if I have the time to update several time per day...per hour? How often do you update a twitter?

I'm also just not that into Facebook? Does that make me a total weirdo? I did Myspace back when I was in High School and it was cool ( a whole 3 years ago. HA)

I guess I just don't want to be forced to view updates on people. At least with blogs I can choose to look. With facebook and twitter, I feel like someone is chasing me, trying to shove unimportant information about I don't even really like into every orifice of my body!! No?

Hmmm... maybe I'll have to check it out because all my twitter prejudices are totally unfounded.

But I think that my twitter would probably end up even more lame then my blog. And my poor family doesn't deserve to be morally obligated to read another platform of my mildly interesting life.


Costume Dillema

I have been contemplating Cruz's Halloween costume since long before he was born.

Like, waayy before.

And as it starts looming closer, I'm starting to panic.

Obviously, I plan to make the costume.
1. Because I love to do that kind of thing
2. Because I'm broke ;)

But necessity is the mother of invention right?

And Cruz NEEDS the most awesome "first Halloween" costume.

Here are my options.

First up:
Max of The Wild Things.
Cruz's nursery is "Where The Wild Things Are" theme. We just love it. And I could whip this up in no time. Plus, Papa wants us to dress up together, so he and I could be the monsters...He wouldn't even have to dress up. KIDDING!

Second Option:

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this...but I'm a total Harry Potter nerd (I know!!) And we are having a Potter themed dinner party at our house (OMG). So I was thinking I would be Harry (OMG!!) and Cruz could be his owl Hedwig. Way to lame?? But C would make an adorable owl. And again, easy to make.

Option 3:

I have loved this one since I was pregnant! I know its TOTALLY goofy, but this is the only year we would be able to do it. Considering I doubt that Cruz will want me to carry him in a pot next year. Or that I will be strong enough to lug a 20 month old around in a pot! Downside: I'd either have to buy it or spend a TON of time making it....

Feedback anyone? I need some serious input.


Another "first" for C

OMG, Cruz's first trip to the pumpkin patch.

Just me, Cruz and his Uncle D. And a ton of pumpkins.

Don't even try to tell me that these are not the cutest thing you've ever seen because I totally won't believe you!!!

Cruz's first pumpkin. He picked it out.

Cruz and his Uncle D.

I look like a total Doof (boys are terrible at taking pictures), but Cruz's smile is just too cute to not post, right! Right?



Death Grip

Obviously, he thinks he is very funny.

My scalp did not agree.