9.30.2010

Wordless...Thursdsay

Since I missed wordless Wednesday yesterday here is one for Thursday instead.



This was Cruz almost exactly a year ago to date (excuse the double chin).

9.29.2010

Passing Time

So I have been spending a lot of time at Starbucks lately.

Whenever I drop Cruz off with his Papa, I head over there and set up shop for a couple hours. Yes, a couple hours!

I have become that weird person that sits in Starbucks alone for hours!

I never thought I would see the day.

jmmmmmmmmmmm
.…÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ \\\\\\÷÷≤ deccqdsdscs
(compliments of Cruz. He loves to blog)


Some days I feel all pathetic-y and lame.

Some days, hours and hours can pass and I barely even notice them going.

Other times I just sit and miss Cruz.

On those days, people watching helps.

It's amazing, the people that come into this place. And how much you can gauge about a person just by watching them during this daily activity.

I've seen almost everything (still on the look out for my some day husband, Gerard Butler. And Oprah).

From the cliche teenage couple sitting on top of each other...even though the entire couch is free.

To the heated political and economical debates. My favorite are the people that come in to complain about the prices. But still order a drink. Shut up already. Your caffeine addiction is your own fault, my friend.

But, last week I met the woman that, hands down, takes the cake for my absolute perfect strange interaction.

I'm not usually super friendly to people I don't know. I'm not rude by any means. But I kind of dread interacting with people I don't know. I get sort of flustered and nothing I say ever seems authentic. I kind of go into auto-pilot and say really irrelevant, embarrassing, rambling sort of things. Its the same as my fear of answering the door for unknown door-bell-ringers. All around just not my favorite experience.

But this day I was feeling a little bit outgoing. So instead of curling up in my favorite chair and doing my best to blend in with the decor, I sent out "talk to me" vibes.

And talk to me, she did.

Her name was Karen.

She has OCD (I got the full rundown and example of all her rituals). She could barely finish one incoherent thought without starting another. She got mad when I couldn't keep up with the conversation. She was absolutely aghast at the cost of my laptop. She didn't think that Cruz was very cute. She's been married 6 times.

Basically, she was epic.

This was exactly the kind of lady I needed to pass a couple hours with. I didn't have to do much talking. I didn't feel at all threatened by her or anxious to get away from her. She was the days perfect companion.

That being said, she was absolutely NUTS. Like bonkers. Delirious. Insane. So far out of the realm of lucidity that she could have been from another planet.

Maybe she was.

We talked of all things wonderful and silly and unimportant.

Like ghost hunters.
The astronomical sign of every member of my extended family.
Whether or not her hair looked good in a braid.
The name of every dog (15) she has ever owned.
Why her brother won't bring her the spare key when she locks herself out of her car. How her doctor said that she is, under no circumstances, allowed to drink caffeine (as she sips coffee???).
How no man will ever date me because I have a kid.
Where do I think she should go to meet men.
Her scalp.
What Cruz should be for halloween.
Her wavering Christian faith (she met a man at church who she went out with twice. Which, come to find out, means she "got a little funky" with him twice. "But not the whole deed or anything." So, obviously, she can't go to church anymore because "people will talk").
Did I mention she was about 65-70? Years of age!

More or less, it was the most eventful Sunday afternoon I have had in quite some time.

Starbucks is kicking me out as we speak (arent these places supposed to stay open, like, infinitely?)

So I'll end this one with a big thank you to Mrs. ("I dont care if I'm divorced. That man took everything from me so I'll be damned if I'm not keeping the bastards name") Karen. Continue to spread the love and tell your story to poor, unsuspecting strangers.

Party on, Garth.

9.26.2010

Thank you, Thank you

I dont usually post on the weekends, but this shout-out couldn't wait.

An awesome friend of ours lent a helping hand in the way of baby booty bling.

AKA diapers.

Cruz was so excited he climbed right up there (yes, Cruz climbs now. Lord help me)

Excuse the bed head, he just woke up.


Excuse my hair...I have no excuse.

I've posted about this mama before, but she deserves another one (actually like 100 others). She went out of her way just to be helpful to me. I've never met her and she had no reason to show me this kindness. But she did. And I am so very thankful. The world needs more people like her. Thank you for your compassion. This part of my life journey has been a very humbling experience, but its easier knowing that good women are out there.

(I'm still not so sure about good men).

100,000,000 thanks to you!

9.16.2010

Thursday

I'm having a semi frustrating week.

Baby daddy drama. Obviously.

My stupid, awful computer is hating me. It malfunctions in ways that not even Google can answer (Yes, I resorted to Google, even after I hated on them). The likely culprit is Cruz. I let him slobber and pound the keys far more often then I should.

Cruz has decided he HATES baby food. Out of the blue. He was a total fan. Now he only wants ice cream. Yes. Ice cream. Are you serious? I've had to cut out absolutely all treats in an effort to get him to eat solids. Unfortunately Papa isnt exactly on board. He gives him cinnamon and maple treats. UGH. SO bad for him. And then he smells like pancakes all day.

Cruz has decided to stage a protest against the car. Its worse then its ever been. He is waging war. And totally winning.

It could be way worse, so I thank my lucky stars.

Plus, I've had an outpouring of compassion and support. This woman has been so sweet and giving. Check her out.

I've also gotten back in contact with a few really great old friends.

And a great group of new friends. The PMC (Petaluma Mothers Club) has been really awesome. The ladies are so understanding and compassionate. I can't say enough nice things.

All things considered, a crazy Papa and a spiteful computer are far outweighed by my beautiful, amazing son and the incredible women I have met along this journey.

9.15.2010

P.S

Baby makes two (the site) is undergoing some changes (as are the subjects). Please excuse any unpleasantness as we are under construction!

Wordless Wednesday: Halloween Jammies

9.14.2010

I have so been slacking when it comes to keeping up on my posts. For some reason I have been really shying away from my blogging lately. Maybe its a little bit of self preservation. Its really tough to lay your life out on the table for someone else to read and judge. To know that I'm sharing so much of what's intimate and scary for me. To know that anyone could see it at anytime. That other people are watching my life go awry.

But I think its healing in a way as well. It's nice to know that I talk and someone else hears. Its nice that there is an unbiased ear out there. That someone other than my mom cares what I have to say. And that someone else is keeping me in their prayers.

I'm struggling with a lot of things right now. Its been really hard to come to terms with what my life is becoming. Its even harder to realize that there are just some things that I can't have control over. Some things are going to happen and I just have to take them in my stride.

It kills me that I can't give my son the life that I saw for him. That no matter how hard I try, there will always be someone else who has a different plan for him. Someone else who gets to have just as much say as I do in how Cruz is raised. In how he will come to see the world. In what kind of man he will someday become.

I feel so so so jealous when I see families. When there is a mom and a dad and a baby. I feel ugly and selfish for feeling jealous. I know that I am so lucky that I have a beautiful, healthy, happy baby. And some days thats enough. Some days I can just be happy about the fact that I have an amazing gift. That I was blessed enough to be the mother to this wonderful little boy.

But some days its a lot harder. Some days I just feel like being mad at everyone. I want everyone to know how much it hurts. To know what its like to have to give up the dreams I have been creating for my son. And for myself. I see all these other moms who have their lives together. They get to know what tomorrow holds for them. They don't have to worry that next week someone might make a decision that changes their life. They don't have to worry that tomorrow they might have to leave their baby. They don't have to know that look on their babies face. They don't have to listen to the cries as they turn their back and walk away.

When those tiny little arms reach out to hold me, but I can't take him. I have to leave him. It never stops hurting. And it never gets easier.

And its just going to get harder. As he gets older and I have to give up more and more time with him. As I slowly fade from a full time parent down to only half. When I only have my son for 50% of his time, does that make me only half a parent? It seems that way to me.

I want to be there for him all the time. For every little thing that he does. For every achievement and excitement. And for every cry and every let down. I want to be there. And I can't. No matter how hard I try or how bad I want it, I don't get to be there for his whole life. He will have a whole other life that I wont be a part of. 50% of his time will be spent at this other life. He will be learning things that I dont approve of. And eating things that I dont think are healthy. And learning ideals and lessons from a man that I dont think is a good role model. I look at that man and I see everything that I dont want my son to become. And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit there and watch it happen.

I want the world for my son. I want to give him everything and raise him to be a good, strong, happy man. But I look around and I see the men that are supposed to model for him. And I none of them are what I want my son to grow up to be.

How did I let this happen? How did things get so far gone? If I had done things differently, would I still be here? If I had tried harder, would I still have had to leave my son crying for me on a daily basis? If I fight a better fight, will I get the chance to do my best by him? Will I ever get the chance to be the best mama that I can be? I dont know the answers and it scares me.

9.10.2010

Swag

I've started using swagbucks.com instead of Google.
A. Because I make money for doing something I would be doing for free anyways, which is always appreciated.
B. I'm semi avoiding Google because they cancelled my Adsense. And hurt my feelings. (But I cant totally avoid Google because they own what, like, 99.6666666% of the world. I say .6 because they are the devil for cutting me off!!!!!!)

Anywho, I've got to keep this one short as I'm busy making some rad cloth diapers for C out of old sheets. Because I had to sell his Gdiapers on Craigslist. Cuz I'm poor.
Good thing I have such an abundance of ugly flannel sheets.

9.06.2010

Shout out

I'm a total fiend for anything arts or crafts and I like to pride myself on creativity, but I have to give it to this little lady. I must admit that I am envious of her crafting skills. And not only her, but her brother as well. What a dynamic duo. Check out what they made for Cruz.



They took turns knitting this ball for him. I cannot tell you how many compliments I get on this thing. People dig it. As does Cruz. Hands down one of his most favorite toys.

And they also assist their mama in making these amazing dolls. This isn't even a quarter of the ones they have made. I wish I had more pictures. SO talented:




So thank you to Miss. Kaija, Mr. Yogi and, of course, to their beautiful mama, for making Cruz such an amazing keepsake. We love and cherish it and you.